I am Cornholio!!!

I've never really been a fan of coffee. I love the smell, but hate the taste. My husband likes to stop by Starbucks every now and then, and in the past, I've always decided on hot chocolate. (Boring.) Recently, I've discovered that if I order a Frappucino with a flavor that has chocolate to it, it seems to mask the coffee flavor and I've learned to enjoy coffee drinks. I've found that on occasion, I even find myself craving Starbucks.(Whaaat? A non-coffee lover fiending for that bittersweet caffeinated elixir?) So tonight, about ten minutes to 10, we drove past two Starbucks on the way home. Floyd does a u-turn on University and says, "Let's get a Starbucks.." My face lights up because he read my mind. I order my secret love, a 9,700 calorie grande Mint Mocha Chip Frappucino. MmMMm..chocolate and mint is pure bliss in my opinion. I don't even care if it has that pesky coffee in it. Whether I order that, or my second secret love, a Double Chocolate Chip Frappucino, it doesn't matter. Oh my Jesus, I'm in heaven. And it was good to last drop...unfortunately, I didn't take into account the possibility that drinking this liquid crack late at night would be problematic. What could possibly be the problem?? Well, my conundrum is that it's 3:48 am and I can't fucking sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am wide awake. I went to bed and got under the sheets about 1:15. Floyd was snoozing happily and rather softly while I couldn't shut my mind off. I kept thinking about the most inane things, such as, 'What's Chloe going to be for Halloween? Gee, I hope someone is having a Halloween party..Floyd and I can "dress up" as Peter and Lois from "Family Guy". I wonder if he has any green pants to complete the "costume"? Hmm..maybe I should get up and mop the kitchen floor..I feel like I should finish reading my book before book club on Sunday..'

Damn it, this is so aggravating. Not being a coffee drinker, I didn't think about the caffeine keeping me awake all damn night. I truly feel like I'm the incarnation of Beavis' alter ego, Cornholio...

(UPDATE: Well, I finally did get some shut-eye...after 7 am. Then I said goodbye to Floyd as he left for work around 8ish, and Chloe's crying woke me about 10:30. I feel so well rested. Sigh...)

I wonder if Quentin ever belts out, "Thank You For Being a Friend" from time to time...

So, the other night, Floyd and I were watching "The Golden Girls." Yes, "The Golden Girls." I was a fan of it when it was first on the air, and still love it twenty years later. I can only hope I can emulate Dorothy's sarcastic wit thirty years from now, and be able to deliver Sophia's smartass one-liners fifty years from now.

Anyway, we were watching the first of a two part episode called "Sophia's Wedding," in which Sophia marries her beloved deceased husband Sal's old business partner, Max, whom she hadn't seen in forty years. The side story is Rose and Blanche's Elvis unauthorized fan club, in which they promptly kick Dorothy out of after the first meeting, due to her "offending" all the other members because of her sarcastic wit I'm such a fan of. Rose and Blanche decide to get an Elvis impersonator, in order to spice up the next meeting. Somehow, with Sophia's rapidly approaching nuptials (was a "shotgun" wedding necessary? was there a "bun in the oven"??) and the search for an Elvis impersonator, Rose mixes up the invitations (what a shocker!) , and when it comes time for the wedding, they realize there are atleast twenty Elvises (or is it "Elvii" for the plural form??) in the living room, waiting to witness the union of two octogenarians in holy matrimony.

They all begin to break out into typical Elvis gyrations, and in the back row, Floyd points out one of the "skinny" Elvises and jokingly says, "Heh, heh. There's Quentin Tarantino in the back." Sure enough, it was him. We looked at the credits to make sure. Oh, that crazy Quentin. I guess we all have to start somewhere, even big time directors. I wonder if he still stays in touch with the girls. Maybe they meet once a month for brunch...


On a side note, today is my sweet Chloe's 18 month birthday. Happy year and a half birthday, Chloe Grace!! :o)

Chloe: the Feng Shui expert!

My kid cracks me up. Here I am, checking out forums on the computer with "Spongebob Squarepants" (Chloe's absolute favorite) on the t.v. across the room and what is Chloe doing? She's been behind me for 10 or 15 minutes rearranging the DVD's on the media center. We had DVD's arranged like books on a bookshelf, so the spines are showing. Evidently, the flow of the room is ALL wrong according to Chloe.

When I turn around to see why she's being quiet (always a red flag, if you ask me), she has rearranged about 20 or so DVD's so the cover is front and center. Some DVD's have fallen to the floor, such as "Sixteen Candles", "Blazing Saddles", "Scarface", "Bad Santa" and "Rear Window." What my creative sixteen month old has stacked with the covers on display are such classics as "40 Year Old Virgin", "Apollo 13", "Cool Hand Luke", "The Marx Bros: A Day at the Races", "It's a Wonderful Life". Funnily enough, some movies that she hid behind these film gems are "Stripes", "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo" and "Making the Grade". I guess she's not really big on silly 80's movies yet. Oh well.

Oh crap, she just ran off into the living room with the "Borat" DVD!...maybe she does have an appreciation for low brow humor after all! ;O)

Nails on a chalkboard

So, the other day, I went through the drive thru of Dairy Queen while my daughter was napping in her carseat when I had a "nails on the chalkboard" moment. (Strangely, when someone slides their nails down a chalkboard, it doesn't bother me. Anyhoo..)

What made me shudder was when I heard the lady in front of me ordering a hot fudge sundae, and she pronounced it "sun-duh". Grrrrr.. I'm shuddering now just thinking of it. I don't know why...perhaps I was a strict English teacher in a former life, but whenever people pronounce certain words differently than how I think they should be pronounced, I shudder in disgust. Call me an English language elitist. I can't help it.

So here are some other words that I find that people commonly mispronounce (especially in the lovely Midwestern area that I live in):

-Wash- When I hear people pronounce it "warsh", I wanna strangle them.

-Creek- I don't care if you grew up with one in your backyard; it's not "crick", it's "creek"...just as it is spelled.

-Missouri-Once again, it's pronounced just as it is spelled, and since there is no "a" at the end, do not pronounce it "Missourah", or I will strangle you.

-Illinois- Here's a tricky one. It looks like it should be pronounced "Illi-noise", because there is an "s" on the end, so you would think you would say it that way, right? No. That sounds stupid. The "s" is silent. Don't make me strangle you.


Well, I know there are several other words that are constantly mispronounced, but I can't think of them right now. These are just the top of my list. The funny thing is that I knew my husband pronounces "wash" as "warsh", which is #1 on my list, before I married him. When he first said "warsh" or "Warshington", I thought "oh no." But as the years go by, the sound of the nails on the chalkboard is getting softer and softer. I guess true love does conquer all. Although, he does want us to move to the capital of the USA...you guessed it folks..good ol' WaRshington, D.C.
Sigh.

I'm rantin' like Rixblix!!!

(Note: This post may be laden with vulgarity and profanity. I usually try to keep the cussing down to a minimum while on the blogosphere. But right now, I don't fucking care.)

Allow me to begin by saying I'm not a huge fan of today's rap. Sure, I enjoy those crazy Beastie Boys every now and then or listening to Floyd as he raps along to his old school NWA or his silly Wu Tang. Even seeing ol' Rosie from "The Wedding Singer" perform Sugarhill's Gang classic song towards the end of the movie is delightful. But other than that, I'm not really big into rap. Yet I listen to it religiously EVERY morning. You may ask, 'Why is that, Jenny???" And I'll tell you why. I hear it every fucking morning because of that stupid inconsiderate prick who lives across the hall from me.

Some people are morning people. They love waking to the sounds of birds chirping or those farm dwellers are roused by the rooster early in the morning. Most people are jarred awake by their alarm clock. And what I wish this dumbass would realize is that he is not the only person living in this building. Some people work second and third shift and sleep in the morning or even through the late afternoon. (Yes, you bastard, some people ACTUALLY work for a living!!)

Many nights, I don't get home from work before midnight. I am a second shift worker unfortunately, and my hubby is a first shift worker--that way, we don't have to stick Chloe in daycare. Anyhoo, I try to get to bed by 2 am at the latest. It usually takes me a little bit to fall asleep, what with Floyd's happy snoring. He wakes me up when he leaves so I can kiss him goodbye, then I go back to sleep. Then, like clockwork, begins the free daily show from my lovely, inconsiderate piece of shit neighbor blaring his crappy music. The sound seems like he is physically in my bathroom across the hall from bedroom. So I go close the bathroom door as well as the bedroom door, crawl back under the covers, with my pillow over my head, and pray that the sound will be muffled this time, even though the past few month's efforts of the exact daily routine have proven futile. And again, I am wrong. Underneath my covers and pillow, I can clearly hear every word emanating from ACROSS the hall. Yes, I, Just Jenny, the queen of, "Huh? Whadyu say?" could understand every word. Okay, friends, THAT is when you know your music is too fucking loud. Oh, then it gets better...

Just when I thought my daily dose of my morning hell couldn't get any worse, the stupid bastard raps along... poorly and off key. I'm sorry..I'm not going to say.."OOH!! Easy-E, ODB, Biggie?!?! Is that you??!!" NO. I wanna say, "Dude, I know you are not DMX, so stop rapping along. And I don't care if "it's hard out here for a pimp", because you sure ain't Terrance Howard either!" AAaaRRRRrRRgggGGhh!!!!

So, kids, what is the lesson of the day? Well, today's lesson is if you live in a house, then feel free to listen to any loud shitty music you want and scream at the top of your lungs like you are the King of Karaoke. However, if you live in an apartment complex or condo, and you are not the lone tenant, you need to show some consideration for your fellow neighbors and turn the music down a bit. It doesn't matter if "these go to eleven"..don't go past ten on your speakers. Because if you do, that sweet lady across the hall is gonna show you her hospitality by sticking a big fucking pineapple up your ass sideways. Thank you and have a nice day.

Six days and counting...

Well, in six days I will have reached another milestone in my life. No, I haven't beaten cancer (or found a cure for it either), nor am I flying in a shuttle to outer space (dang it!). On March 18th, I will be turning the big 3-0. I assume it's somewhat obligatory to make a list of all the things you love about your life and the things you feel you're lacking..things you feel you should have accomplished when you hit 30. I don't think I'm going to do that. I honestly feel that although my life may not be what I thought it would be when I was 20, I feel I can't really complain. I suppose I wouldn't mind having a newer car--I dunno..I guess driving a 1993 Honda Accord with 183, 600+ miles on it and a big dent and rust eating away on your fender isn't really sexy. But, then again, it runs (more often than not), so then I feel lucky to have it.


My family is lovely. My dad and stepmom, my mother, my brother and sister-in-law are all wonderful. (I must say that the fact my mother has not been on speaking terms with my brother for four months breaks my heart a little more each day, but I try not to think about it too much. I try to keep the faith that one day she'll come around...) And as far as in-laws go, I couldn't have hand picked better parents-in-law if I tried. :o)


I feel that I'm blessed to have my husband Floyd in my life. I knew there was something special about him the moment we locked eyes with each other. Yes, we had a "moment" when we met. That mushy, unreal, love-at-first sight, only-in-Hollywood moment where our eyes met and in that instant, I felt my heart skip. Since then, I knew he was the one for me. As I got to know him, not only did I realize that he's funny and smart as hell, but he always--well, he just makes me feel good. Simple as that. And when we had Chloe, holy crap. Everything changed. My love for him tripled. He is flawlessly amazing at being her daddy. She is the light of our lives and we truly can't remember a time without her. From her enormous blue eyes with insanely long eyelashes, to her loud, hilarious laughter, to how sweetly peaceful she is when she slumbers, Chloe makes our happy family complete.

So when I think about my family..my parents and in-laws, brother and sister-in-law, and the loves of my life, Floyd and Chloe, I find it silly to think about making that obligatory "Dammit, I'm turning thirty!" list. Do I have regrets or things I would've liked to have done by the time I turn thirty years old?? Sure. But with those people in my life, I couldn't care less if I haven't climbed Mount Everest or gone scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef. Besides, I have to have some items for my "Dammit, I'm turning forty!" list in ten years... :o)

My daughter looks like Fred Sanford

Lemme explain..I don't mean that my sweet little 14 month old resembles Red Foxx at all. But sometimes, when she's stumbling around with her hands behind her back and her stomach puffed out, Chloe reminds me of Fred Sanford. It cracks me up. I feel sometimes that at any given moment, she's going to clutch her hand over her chest and exclaim, "Oooohh! This is the big one!! You hear that, Elizabeth?? I'm coming home, honey!!"

Now that would be odd.