Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Oh Jesus..

Disclaimer: Do not read if you have a weak stomach.

You know, when I was pregnant, I read up on a few pregnancy and parenting books and magazines, just to give me an "idea" of what to expect. I must admit, I didn't read half the material that Floyd did. In fact, there were many times he would jokingly scold me that I should do a little more studying on the baby subject, especially since we were going to be first time parents. It was a great suggestion, since we all know that babies don't arrive into the world with individual instruction manuals. So I read my magazines and books and I felt like a had a decent idea of what to expect.

Boy, was I wrong.

When it comes to having a child, so many things can happen in just a five to seven minute time span in your life. And I don't think those bastards who write material about babies tell you this. One moment, my sweet child is happily drawing on her big pad of paper. Then I catch a whiff of something foul emanating from her diaper. I get up and proclaim, "Chloe, let's change your diaper. Want a new diaper?" So as I walk across the room to her diaper bag, I hear a sound that stops me dead in my tracks. The sound of Velcro. I turn around. "Crap, she's taking off her diaper!!" I say. "Chloe, stop! STOP!!"

Chloe has undone only one side of her diaper and she sprints like a cheetah across the living room until she's cornered between the front door and her angry mommy. She has her hands up on the front door like she's about to be frisked and she's laughing maniacally. I quickly remove her diaper and realize it is a rabbit pebble texture and I try to locate any missing pebbles. Ah, gross..there's three of them on the floor. I..*uuuugggh*..pick them up and pitch them and the diaper in the trash. Then Chloe hands another pebble to me. *Shudder* So, now not only do I have to sanitize my hands, I have to sanitize my daughter's hands as well. (Actually, I'm just glad she didn't eat it.)

Just when I think all is well now and everything and everyone is cleaned up, another sound gets my attention, followed by her notorious catchphrase--"Uh-oh!!" I glance into the living room and sigh. She has dumped an almost full canister of sweet potato puffs onto the floor. It was just opened yesterday. I use one of Floyd's beloved Presidents of the United States placemats and scoop up the hundreds of puffs piled on the floor and return to the garbage.

Calgon, take me away and serve me a White Russian!!!